Civility Self-Reflection Exercise - Civil Discourse and Difficult Decisions

Use this discussion starter to reflect on how you interact with your peers when discussing a controversial topic. Note how frequently or infrequently you engage in the action described, then answer the follow-up questions. Find the complete worksheet on pages 15-18 in the activity download.

1. When a conversation gets heated, I contribute to the conversation.

• Would people say you, typically, are an inflamer, an informer, an inquirer, an influencer, a good listener, a comedian?
• What other roles do people take in heated conversations?

2.  When peers disagree about an issue, I remain silent.

• Why do you tend to remain silent?  Can that be a good thing? What makes you comfortable enough to speak?

3.  I take an active role in creating a welcoming environment for differing opinions.

• What do you say and do?

4.  I give my peers eye contact and my full attention when they speak, even when I disagree.

• When people are really listening to you, what difference does that behavior make to you? 
• What difference does it make in the conversation?

5.  When I disagree with someone, I keep an open mind and, momentarily, put aside what I plan to say next.

• What do you say to yourself so that you really listen, not just wait for your turn to speak?

6.  I can’t control others’ behavior or opinions, so I focus on my own actions and civility.

• What does that mean? 
• How does it work?

7.  When I’m speaking, sometimes, I use silence to get the attention of others.

• How do you use silence? 
• How effective is it? 

8.  I speak respectfully to people with whom I disagree, even if they disrespect me.

• Why? Give an example of what you can say or do/not do when someone is disrespectful to you.

9.  I ask clarifying questions.

• Give examples of clarifying questions.

10.  I am careful not to take over a conversation by talking longer than others.

• What limits do you put on yourself to keep from talking too much? 
• On the other hand, what do you do/say when you can’t get a word in edgewise?

11.  When I get excited, I interrupt the person speaking.

• When you feel strongly about a subject, how do you monitor yourself so that you don’t interrupt?

12.  I have side conversations that distract the person I’m talking with – and others – from the person who has the floor.

• How do you feel when someone is whispering while you’re talking, even when they’re trying not to be disruptive?

13.  I listen for what people mean – not just what they say – when I disagree with them.

• What do people do/say when they are listening just to the words?
• What do they do/say when they are listening for what the person means?

14. When peers disagree, I find common ground and call attention to areas of agreement.

• What are some phrases you can use to bridge the gap when you are trying to find common ground?

15.  Sometimes I tune out, then realize I’ve repeated something that already has been said.

• How do you feel when someone repeats a point that already has been made?

16.  I roll my eyes, or make subtle faces when I disagree with someone’s opinion.

• How do nonverbals detract from the civility of the conversation, even when the speaker doesn’t see you rolling your eyes or making faces?